One little bumble bee buzzing

images (1)It seems like its been forever since I’ve spoken with you. As you may know or may not know (I don’t know how the other side of life works, if you have some supernatural powers and you are able to read minds? Do you know how I’m coping?) Well, I’ve been having difficulties lately. I feel like I’m loosing it!

Are you apart of some crazy evil plan to make my life hell, fuck up my reality, and perception of life, fuck me up in the head completely? I ask how much control did you have over your actions while living with bipolar? How much did i understand your disability? I’m not understanding why you are no longer here, and as selfish as it might seem, I’m asking why me? Why, why, why? You left without giving any reasons! My world feels broken.

I went to the book store today and brought an arm full of self help books on grieving. Lets see if I work up the will to open, read, and apply…

Couple days ago I went to Zinkos restaurant, as I waited at the drive thru a memory of the last time you and I went there came to mind. Remember there was a bumble bee buzzing around and we had to roll up the windows. That bee had me mesmerized for some reason. I looked around for the bee and didn’t see it and I started crying. I thought about how stupid it must be, me looking for a bumble bee. I told your mom about it she said it wasn’t stupid, but I felt even more ridiculous speaking it out loud. So today I while getting out of the car to go into the drugstore I thought about that bumble bee at Zinkos again and while throwing some things in the trash can, there inside the trash was one bumble bee all by himself buzzing around. I guess there is some deeper meaning to this bumble bee?

Did you know how much I loved  being in your company?

Do you know I am missing you?

Please tell me how am I going to heal.

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