In the stillness there is clarity

It has occurred to me after somewhat examining my current mental health, I think that I might have to get away from this city, this state, to tend to my wellbeing.

I want to get away from this city that constantly reminds me of the great times we had and the difficulties we faced.

I realized a lot of people, those that are family and close friends are not fully aware of the tragedy that has impacted my life.  Some expect me to be this Holy Dali Lama or Mother Theresa, or Monk Buddhist, and continue on as if nothing has happened. Don’t dare show any feelings or let yourself get be controlled by them!

I need time and space away from all of this to heal. They just want to see the old Marie, well that Marie died when you decided to take your life.

No I’m not running away from it, I’m getting away from all the chatter, and allowing myself to heal in it’s own therapeutic way.

I don’t know who I am any longer, my mind is filled with questions that will most likely never get answered and my heart is filled with sorrow.

This morning I laid in bed on my back staring into a void. Feeling the sensations of my body and listening to the thoughts and letting them fade out. I realized most of those thoughts are not even from me, it’s a collaboration of junk I’ve somehow picked up along the way listening to people ramble on about this and that. The sensations in my body are my nerves trying to settle after the SHOCK.

In the stillness, I looked at my soul and there it was curled up, with it’s light flickering trying its best to heal, and find peace and understanding in the midst of all this confusion.

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